NEW YORK - OCTOBER 21: A dancer through the Radio City Rockettes display screens her shoe with bells if rehearsing for ?The Radio City Christmas Spectacular,? October 21, 2004 at Radio City Music room in new York City. This will be the show"s 72nd season, making that a new York holiday college which draws tourist from around the country and world. (Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images)

I created this eight years earlier for the now-defunt blog Pink Headphones and I think that deserves come be claimed again:

Fourteen days!

OK, for this reason we’re a tiny over a work week far from the large Day. And also what much better time to reflect on Christmas music? after all, the been playing for much more than a month!

I have actually some opinions on the songs o’ the Season. I believe earlier is better, an ext is more and Karen Carpenter had the voice the an angel (sorry, josh Groban.)

Kenny Loggin’s “Celebrate Me Home” is among the better homages to the holiday, Yoko Ono ruins “So This Is Christmas” and Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime” is the second worst Christmas tune in the world.

You are watching: Sir i want to buy these shoes

The first?

The Christmas Shoes.”

I know, ns know. Girlfriend love it. The soooo sweet and also perfect and also sums up the true an interpretation of the season.

Well, I’m right here to tell you: you space wrong.

I heard this song in its whole for the first time this weekend.

What’s that old expression around how you nothing know how much lucky you have until it runs out?


This is the most confectionary, cavity-inducing piece of schlock (aside indigenous “Sometimes once We Touch” through Dan Hill) ever before recorded.

Also, it makes no sense.

Behold, the lyrics of “The Christmas Shoes” through Bob Carlisle, complete with (warning: really cynical) commentary.

It was nearly Christmas time, there i stood in another lineTryin’ come buy that last gift or two, no really in the Christmas mood

(Well, in ~ this point, Bob, that is?)

Standing appropriate in former of me was a little boy waiting anxiouslyPacing ’round like small boys doAnd in his hand he hosted a pair the shoes

(OK, fine. I’ll bite.)

His clothes were worn and also old, he was dirty native head come toe

(Dirty indigenous head come toe? keep in mind to shoppers. In ~ this point, you need to be gesturing to mall security.)

And once it come his time to payI couldn’t think what ns heard the saySir, I desire to buy this shoes for my Mama, pleaseIt’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her sizeCould you hurry, sir, Daddy states there’s not much timeYou check out she’s to be sick for quite a while

(It’s Christmas Eve? Christmas EVE? and your mom is DYING? Jeez buddy, walk home, take a shower and also sit v your mom. Also, no boy knows his mom’s shoes size. Uneven you are Rex Ryan’s kid.)

And I recognize these shoes would certainly make her smileAnd I desire her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

OK, if your MOM has moments to live, you execute not walk shopping! and let me just pose this question: how in the surname of Manolo Blahnik walk this tiny shoe-buying urchin obtain to a shopping mall anyway?

This small ditty is not based in any kind of sort of reality. I’m 2 stanzas in and also I’m currently annoyed.

He count pennies for what seemed choose yearsThen the cashier said, “Son, there’s not enough here”

Stop right there. Simply stop. This dirty, jumpy boy without a guardian simply told you he is buying a pair that his shoes because that his mom – who has one foot in the grave and also another on a banana peel – and you’re making the PAY? What in the surname of Wal-Mart kind of customer service is this?

And what that you, Mr. Bob Carlisle?

Oh wait, our narrator procedures in, yet not prior to making the kid beg because that it:

He searched his pockets franticallyThen he turned and he looked in ~ meHe said Mama made Christmas an excellent at ours house

Though most years she simply did withoutTell me Sir, what am i going come do,Somehow I’ve gained to buy she these Christmas shoesSo i laid the money down, i just had to aid him out

Way to do the soon-to-be motherless tiny guy sweat it out, dude. Nice.

I’ll never forget the look at on his challenge when the saidMama’s gonna look so great

Sir, I want to buy these shoes because that my Mama, pleaseIt’s Christmas Eve and also these shoes are simply her sizeCould friend hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much timeYou check out she’s to be sick for rather a whileAnd I understand these shoes would make her smileAnd I desire her come look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

I took part confirmation classes and I nothing remember any kind of psalms alluding to our mr Savior’s fascination v shoes. Like the very first thing Jesus is going to say is “OMG, love the open toes! and also such a cautious heel. Fabulous!” maybe He’s a fan of Carrie Bradshaw and also her Sex and also the City pals. Perhaps it’s a mar Magdelene thing. One thing I’m certain of? it’s weird.

I knew I’d recorded a glimpse of heaven’s loveAs that thanked me and ran outI knew the God had sent that small boyTo remind me simply what Christmas is all about.

Ah yes, Christmas is about fetishism, terminal illness and also commercialism.

Happy Holidays!!

PS Lungboy claims he think it’s pint-sized Ponzi scheme and that he’s been functioning this story because Black Friday

PPS Woah-woah-woah-woah! ns just uncovered out this was made right into a Made-For-The-Hallmark-Channel-Movie starring Rob Lowe. There space no words.

See more: Enjol I Can Bring Home The Bacon Fry It Up In A Pan, I Can Bring Home The Bacon, Fry It Up In A Pan



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